Fixing the Pieces
by TideFan
Summary: How will Mary gather life back together? Canon and taking place after the season 3 Christmas special. Will contain spoilers and my ideas for season 4.


_Got this idea on the way to work when I was thinking about the new season and how Mary could be. I don't own these lovely characters, and will miss Matthew dearly. Hope you enjoy and be patient with me as I get the chapters out. This story will contain a new character from season four even though I have high doubts their meeting will come this way._

It had been three months, three months to the exact moment that Cora stepped into the white washed hospital room and stole her happiness from her. Matthew was dead, her other half was no longer here to keep his promise and she was left with just his memory. It was weird but Mary felt that she knew he was gone before even being told. Their son had gripped her thumb and her heart felt like it could burst and then a chill went up her spine. Gone.

Mary put on a strong face every day for her family and the staff while inside she felt like she could crumble into a million pieces. Her whole life she had been so good about picking up and moving on but this time she was finding it more and more difficult. Three months of constant nightmares and days where she felt like she could scream for hours.

Matthew had always been there to remind her when she was angry or to help put a smile on her face. He had promised to love her until the last breath left his body but it shouldn't have been so soon. It left her angry, she would never be his Mary and she would never get the chance to simply say "she loved him to."

Little Reggie was sprouting like a weed every day and needing Mary's attention more than she could have imagined. He looked just like Matthew, from his baby blue eyes to the small crease on his forehead. The days following Matthew's death she would hold on to him for dear life, not letting anyone else touch him. Their son was the only thing keeping her going and she wanted him so close to her heart.

Mary would whisper sweet stories to Reggie each night before bed, not from books though but of her life with Matthew. He would know his father and how he went from a simple solicitor to the man who stole the great Mary Crawley's heart. As the baby would drift off she would feel alone again, staying for hours in her dressing room by herself to only be interrupted by Anna.

Anna had felt awful about 's passing and Mary knew it, she also knew she needed her lady's maid to just be normal around her. Robert and Cora had begun to treat her like a baby and all she needed was to feel normal. Sometimes she would sneak away to speak to Tom, his own loneliness a match for hers as they would speak about Sybil and Matthew. Grief would overcome them both though and soon Mary would find herself alone again.

Three months and she was still unraveling. It was slow like the drip of water torture on prisoners. The first sign of Mary's madness was when she chopped her long black hair off. She had sat at her mirror in her dressing room, her pale face meeting her sad reflection and all she could think was how she needed it gone. Matthew had always chimed about how he loved to see her hair braided or how soft it felt on his chest. It would be gone; an act of defiance against her dead husband would be what she would need.

Her small hands shook as Mary drug the scissors along the braid Anna had placed in. Slowly tears dropped down her cheeks as Mary snipped the tendrils away, the hair coating her floor in various places. It looked fine she told herself, she would have Anna fix it up nicely later. The tears wouldn't stop falling though as she realized what she had done. What if Reggie didn't recognize her anymore? Matthew would have been so upset.

He would have been but now he was gone. Just gone.

Her madness flooded her all at once finally, like the soldier finally going mad at the drops of water on his eyes. Mary no longer felt like putting on a show, not when theirs had flopped so badly.

A few days later Mary woke and went about her morning duties, feeding Reggie and having breakfast with the family. For once she engaged in small chatter with the rest of the family and Edith stole curious glances her way. "Edith, I was hoping you would watch Reggie today for me instead of the nanny. He seems to be missing his aunt dearly since you have been working in London." Mary was lying; she tried to hide her face as she did and hoped no one would catch on. Edith's face lit up though as she answered, "Of course I will, do you have plans? I could always help." "No thank you." Mary wanted to get away alone, before anyone could stop her.

She felt free as she took the old car down the dusty drive, it was the first time she had placed hands on the wheel of a car since Matthew passed. Everyone watched worried as she told Carson not to hire the driver, she would take herself. Plea's from her Papa made her almost stop but Mary Crawley was going to do what she wanted to do.

The car came to a jerking stop as she finally reached the destination where she hated the most. Fresh dirt had been packed along the bank not long ago; she could smell the dirt and silently had a moment of hesitation. This had been the place where Matthew took his last moments, this had been where he laid and the car rested. For a moment an image crossed her mind, Matthew laying on the ground with blood down his face. She had tried so hard to forget it but it was her own fault as she begged to go where he was. The others had wanted her to rest that day but she had to go say her goodbye.

Her dainty hand had grabbed his face and begged him to come back to her but there was nothing. Tom and Robert had finally pulled her away that night and she had not been the same since. Not till now, not even Reggie could bring her back from the brink she was on.

Mary stepped into the cold street, her eyes close as she would wait on a car to come around the bend. She hoped it would be speeding and not have time to stop, she hoped when the metal hit her that it would be quick and she would be with Matthew soon. No Mary Crawley was not afraid to die but was more afraid she would never see Matthew again.

Gravel crunched as she heard a car _slowly_ approach and her eyes flew open, she had to look but surprise took her as she realized it was Edith. What in heaven's name was her sister doing here after she promised to keep Reggie. "Mary? What are you doing? You must stop this now." Edith's voice was stern and for once she sounded like the older sister as she stepped from the car, bringing Reggie with her in her arms. Mary's caramel eyes burned with anger, this was not how things were supposed to go. "How did you know I would be here?" She hated that someone else was stopping her from being with Matthew again, even in death. The two of them had danced around their happiness for so long between Richard and Lavinia and she didn't need this now. "You never ask me to take care of Reggie, I knew something was wrong. " Edith tilted her head as she stepped forward, offering Reggie to her sister, his coo's shocking them both. "I won't have you do this now when he is so young Mary, he needs you and not the rest of us. You wouldn't let me win and be the only Crawley sister would you?"

The two had never gotten along but in that moment Mary felt grateful for her younger sister, she was right. Of course she would never admit that would blame it on the grief but she couldn't leave Reggie, not without her _and_ Matthew. "Take me home Edith and don't mention this again. I will have Carson arrange for someone to come get our car." Mary's voice snapped as she held the baby close to her chest, Edith questioning it all," But Mary?" "I said now Edith!"

* * *

Edith had not said anything with a threat from Mary but she knew she needed to gather herself and get back to as normal as she could be. Isobel in her own grief had suggested to Mary that she speak to someone outside the family and at first she thought the idea ludicrous but now she wasn't sure. Of course she would have to be discreet, there was no way she could let it leak that Mary Crawley herself was seeking emotion support. She could just imagine the papers if Richard Carlisle got ahold of information such as that, he had already been kind enough not to publish her other indiscretions but this was new territory.

Mary would be meeting with a psychologist the next day in Manchester and would need all the rest she could get. That night she dreamed of Matthew and for the first time since his death it wasn't a complete nightmare. She could almost swear it was real as he pushed her hair back from her face, his soft plump lips breathing across her nose and lips. "My Darling, it will all be well. You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for." One last kiss and then she woke, Matthew was gone again. She really wished he would stop leaving, even if it was just a dream.

* * *

" Mrs. levinson , the doctor will see you in just a moment. Please take a seat right there and wait." The receptionist pointed to a chair in the corner and Mary politely smiled. She had used her Mother's maiden name in hopes to keep everything so discreet and it reminded her of the day Matthew had caught her doing just the same.

She had never wanted to worry him about her health concerns and was caught red handed that day. He did worry so and even after she explained the whole night he had been so soft with her. Each of his kisses had been met with an I love you and his blue eyes filled with a new excitement. Mary missed his so dearly; she missed the way he would kiss her nose and the way his hands fit perfectly around her waist. Her heart ached for the night when she finally told him she was with child, how happy he had been.

Mary thought the therapy had gone well as she grabbed her handbag to leave. She was emotionally tired and hoped the train journey home would go quickly. The doctor had told her to speak of what she wanted and for the hour she mostly rambled about little Reggie. It was almost embarrassing to her that she needed the help at all but she was smart enough not to deny that she needed it.

On her way out she stopped at the receptionist with a smile to acquire a new appointment with the doctor. She would need to hire nanny to keep hold of Reggie on days when she would travel here. Mary looked up as she heard the deep voice of a man enter; his slick words rolling off his tongue as he said he was here to bring his sister.

For the first time Mary looked up to see the man, he had short dark hair and his eyes equally matched. He seemed mysterious, handsome and Mary could appreciate that. It was the first time she had looked at a man since Matthew and she enjoyed the fact he was completely different than her floppy haired husband. She wasn't even sure why she had paid attention to this stranger to begin with but the way he helped his sister into the office touched her.

The man was at her side before she could look away again, his eyes meeting hers and then he smiled. "I must introduce myself to someone as beautiful as you. I'm Anthony Gillingham."

_**Sorry for the weird ending, it felt natural to leave you with suspense.**_


End file.
